Me, Myself and My Mental Illness

March 30, 2017

 

Jordan decided to share his story after realising the importance of speaking out for help. Here is what he wrote.

 

I use mental illness instead of specifically the problem because as I type this in my hospital bed I nor the Doctors have been able to diagnose me properly.

 

I'm a 21-Year-old male from Glasgow and this is my story.

 

I had a mental breakdown back in October time when I just couldn't handle life anymore. I have always felt different but was never able to put my finger on what was actually the problem.... One thing I did know was that I was a really good liar. By liar I mean I was able to hide the fact that for 4 years I hated my job that I was trapped in, I hated my life and thought life wasn't worth living, the voice in my head (My Voice) kept me awake most nights nagging and nitpicking at me about everything, reminding me of everything I wanted to forget. He would not go away no matter how much I tried so instead I thought about ways to get rid of him I admitted defeat and realised he was a part of who I was, I wasn't ready to admit this to anybody else just yet. So I carried on through my Army career for 4 years living with this without telling anyone, I'm surprised I lasted that long.

 

Then October 2016 I broke. I snapped. I couldn't handle living like and I finally broke down and told my family I was depressed and had some ongoing problems that needed to be addressed. Unlucky for me the therapy/medication made me worse and I physically started getting unwell. Constantly going to the toilet, tummy cramps, sore stomach, feverish and the list went on. I couldn't leave my bed because the pain was there and it took over my life which then made me even more depressed because I was like a caged animal again stuck in bed, meanwhile I was meant to be getting treatment that I couldn't go to because the pain and the fact I couldn't leave the house without needing the toilet so I ended up down a deep dark hole thinking I'm never getting out this hole and my life is over. I had to go to the doctors in pain to explain I could no longer live like this and that I needed help. Blood test after blood test came back clear. I had lost 15 KG in weight to add on top of things. Things got too much and I got admitted to the hospital to find out the problem, Again blood test after blood test came back fine, MRI scan came back normal, Day after day I was losing hope with the NHS, I just want to be better, Is that such a hard task to ask for, I question if maybe I deserve this, If there was something I did to merit feeling this way, alas it's my anxiety doing this to me and I'm fighting a losing battle with it, the panic attacks, the sweating when doctors come in to talk to me, feeling agitated lying there with family surrounding you all looking at you, what are they thinking the voice tells me, sweating again, trembling hands, heart racing, do they notice every single move I make like the voice in my head tells me, That voice. Bad person. Bad son. Bad brother. Bad Boyfriend. What does a 21-year-old need to be stressed about the voice rings out. Freak. Loser. Never going to get better. That voice will be the death of me. Not a day goes past without that voice making things worse.

 

A psychiatrist came in today and I finally got my full story out there and it looks like she is going to help. So here's hoping I can finally defeat this voice and all my problems.

 

 

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